Senate Bill 3794 (House Bill 3798), legislation that would make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person “any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” For that matter, if you offer to show someone your dildo collection - or possess a vibrator with the intent to show it to someone - you’d be violating this proposed state law. And don’t even think about wholesaling those three-dimensional sex toys.

The only exception would be for teachers and students who are pursuing a degree related to dildos.  We don’t know what kind of stuff they can major in at Tenessee universities, but maybe we should look into it.  A degree in dildo-ology?  And doctors will be able to prescribe the use of vibrators for medical care [where do I find one of these doctors?].  The last exception: “employees of historical societies, museums, public libraries and - wait for it - school libraries are allowed to traffic in devices named Thruster, The Emperor and The Horny Hare, provided they’re doing their official duties.” Awesome!  

But you, you there in the privacy of your own home - don’t be showing your vibrator to that guy you picked up in the bar!  Can you see it?  The police will totally set up stings.  Cops will allow themselves to be lured home to the lairs of suspected dildo owners, and when the dildo appears, the offenders will be arrested and taken to the pokey [not that kind of pokey] for the crime of exposing a dildo inside a private home.

Hey, are butt plugs included in that mess?  The bill specifies genitals only…so showing off your Baby Jesus butt plug would be OK, right?

Really, we can’t even come to terms with why this bill might be needed (kind of like the CETM).  Has there been a rash of bank robberies carried out by dildo waving criminals?  Innocent children beaten down on the street by dildo wielding pervs?  Are State Senators in Tennessee just looking for stuff to do because poverty and homelessness has been all cleared up?

Remember kids, when dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will own dildos.  Shoot ‘em up, partner.

UPDATE:

After a little research we find that just like the City of Edinburgh Council doing ‘U’ turns (CETM, Housing Transfer, congestion charging) - the state legislators in Tennessee decided to withdraw the bill - so it’s dildos all round then!

To read the bill just go here: http://www.legislature.state.tn.us/bills/currentga/BILL/HB3798.pdf
To see the tracking of the bill go here: http://www.legislature.state.tn.us/bills/currentga/BillCompanionInfo.aspx?BillNumber=hb3798

Opinions expressed here and in any corresponding comments are the personal opinions of the original authors, not of Edinburghsucks.com LLC and may not have been reviewed in advance.

1. What is really strange is that Tennessee is trying to ban what what we actually elected.

   Posted by Anon | March 11, 2006, 4:28 am